Ask a Therapist: How Do I Support My Autistic Child Without Losing Myself?
Andreana Mabry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Answers
Note from Ashley: When I invited Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Andreana Mabry to share some of her professional expertise with parents supporting autistic children, I couldn’t have guessed how delightful - and deeply insightful - the resource she sent me would be. This article is at least as scientifically sound and well organized as a Psychology Today article, with the added boots-on-the-ground wisdom that only comes from living with and loving someone with autism. (I don’t want to spoil anything, but #6 is my favorite - simply because that was the hardest-won lesson for me in my marriage!) It is my pleasure to introduce to you, Andreana Mabry, LMFT:
Hi there! I’m Andreana Mabry, today’s guest author!
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m also happily married to a neurodivergent partner. It’s still too early to know for sure how Autism Spectrum Disorder will impact our kiddo.
When dealing with overstimulation, communication snags, and the pressures of daily life, my clients and I often struggle with returning back to the joy of our relationships.
These are the things I train clients on (and practice at home) to protect the important relationships in our lives.
Lead with Humility
There is not a “typical” or “atypical” partner in our relationship. Neurodiversity and Neurodivergence is complex.
For example: while I do not consider myself to be on the spectrum, I do recognize that my thinking and my sensory experiences are affected by my race, family structure, chronic medical conditions, and hormones. None of these differences would qualify me for an ASD diagnosis. But they affect me and my household, and we both make accommodations for each other, ASD or not!
The instant you think you have nothing left to learn about your partner, not only have you lost some of the magic of love, but you’re also just wrong! People are constantly revealing more of themselves. Which leads me to my next recommendation:
Ask questions.
A diagnosis is the start of a journey, not the destination. If your child’s diagnosis has you looking at yourself or your partner differently, that’s great!
But don’t assume that what your child needs is what you need, or what your partner needs. Ask.
Don’t Rush.
Photo of Baby Turtles in the Sand by Jolo Diaz
If something is bothering you, or bothering your partner, give each other time to process it.
One of the most common frustrations I hear from my clients who are male and on the spectrum is that it’s completely overwhelming when their female, hyperverbal partner expects to immediately have a conversation about a problem or interaction. They tell me they want to be able to say what they feel but it takes time to get the language for it.
Therapy can be a useful place to practice discussions about big feelings, but even just reading the experiences of others or engaging with fictional media can be helpful (think: story-heavy games, television, or songs).
Hyperfixations: You don’t have to “get it” to support it.
It’s nice to be let into someone’s world. It’s so precious to share interests with each other.
But you are an individual, and you don’t have to like everything your partner likes.
Showing interest in the person, whether or not you like their hobby or fixation. And when you have to break away, do so with love.
What do I mean? Here’s an example:
“I’m so glad [this hyperfixation we’ve been discussing] has brought you so much joy! I need a [a little break, a snack, a shower] now, but why don’t we plan to watch the documentary about it this weekend?”
…and vice versa: If your partner doesn’t “get” your interests, they still love you.
There are things you care about that just aren’t that interesting to your partner.
I want to be clear, in partnerships with 1 or more partners on the spectrum, this lack of understanding can easily go both ways.
You may be dealing with a partner who is so hyperfocused on their own interests that they forget to hold space for yours.
OR…
You may be dealing with a partner who just can’t hear about the nuances, corners, and details of your fixation any longer.
Either way, your partner still loves you.
Your identity is not the same as your interests.
A person can love you, love the way you do things, the person you are, your values, your quirks, and your adorable little dimples…even if they can’t appreciate every detail in the Warhammer 40K piece you just painted.
Moving on from a topic is not the same as moving on from you.
You are not parenting your partner.
You may be learning all kinds of information and skills as you adapt to raising a child on the spectrum.
If you notice that your partner is struggling with similar issues, remember that you are not their parent. You can support them as they explore and gain perspective on their childhood and adult experiences. Telling them what they should or should not do for themselves doesn’t usually work out too well.
Your kid is not you, and you are not your parents.
You may recognize that your child’s struggles mirror some of your own, or that they hit certain milestones faster or slower than you.
As much as you may wish that certain things were done differently in your childhood, you are an adult now.
Resist the temptation to treat parenting like a do-over. Instead, plug into the verbal and nonverbal cues you’re receiving from the actual younger human who’s right in front of you.
The past can not be fixed, but it can be understood. Do the work to understand it in your private time, not on your child’s time.
I do provide therapy for adults who have had very painful, traumatic, or neglectful childhoods. If starting a family has highlighted some unfinished business, and you want therapy for yourself, you can find me at ShowUpCounseling.com.